It Gets Better, Then it Gets Worse and Then it Gets Better Again

You may remember (or learned about it in History Class) Black Monday for the crash of the Stock Market.  But I remember it for different reasons.

October 19, 1987.  I was 19 years old.  I was done.

My mom had custody of Marisa, I lost my apartment, my chance at reconciling with Marisa’s father were gone and I was at what I thought was the absolute end.  That nothing would ever be better, everything could only be worse.

I was staying with a friend, I went to their bathroom and took a bottle of Tylenol to the living room, everyone was in bed.  I stared at that bottle for what felt like hours, but was probably minutes.  I dumped what was in the bottle on the table and counted out 25 pills, I didn’t want to leave my friends with nothing in the bottle, the stupid things you think of at moments.

I took those pills, washed them down with a beer and waited.  I don’t know what I thought, that my body would instantaneously react to the pills and I would be gone immediately or I would simply fall asleep and never wake up.  So I just waited.While waiting I couldn’t help but think.  I thought of my mom, how much she had sacrificed over the years for me and was still sacrificing by raising my daughter.  I thought of Marisa, how wrong I was for everything I had done to and with her since she was born.  I thought of the friends I was staying with, how awful it would be for them to find me in the morning and god forbid if one of their children woke up first.  Those thoughts jolted me into another realm.

I didn’t know if I wanted to “live” but I knew I no longer wanted to die.  I got up and left the house hoping I could “walk it off”.  Barefoot and without my glasses I walked around the neighborhood again for what felt like hours, ending up at my sister’s house about 10 blocks away.  I can only assume that my state of dishevelment didn’t surprise them because my entire life was disheveled. I crawled into a bed and left it up to a higher power.

Two days later I met Taj.  The day after that Marisa turned 1.  Within 90 days my life took an amazing turn and I was living in Maryland.

My life has never been the same.  I have been in many different places and have contemplated trying again, but it always came down to how can I hurt the only people who have helped me?

Taking your own life isn’t about you, it is about the people who love you, you may think there is no one, but there is always someone.

During the most recent episode of Glee, Mr Shu told his class about an attempt he made when he was younger and how glad he was he didn’t because look at all he would have missed.   He then had the students tell what they were most looking forward to.

I am at my “looking forward” point.  I have seen my children grow up, I have 3 beautiful amazing grand children, and I have a man who loves me no matter all the strife I have put him through for 25 years.

It gets better.

Tagged as: Bottle, Death, Glee, Johnson, Marisa, Maryland, McNeil Laboratories, Stock Market, Suicidal ideation, Suicide, Syringe, Thought, Tylenol